It could range from Wednesday and Thursday, to Wednesday and Friday and Sunday, or perhaps Saturday and Sunday, I could have any combination of two or three of these days off. This week, it is Thursday and Friday, hence my posting today.
Hoo boy I wish I could have a schedule that didn’t change for the entire month, so I could plan for more long-form works. I feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants. But my pants are pretty okay! Actually, I’m wearing my summer shorts today because I can, even though yesterday was the post-zenith hot day of the week. These summer shorts… They are old cut-off stretch jeans yet with each stretch they still rip upwards, directly up the thigh. Like zombie daisy dukes. So comfortable but so revealing!
Lately I’ve settled down in my mental coordination. A couple mixed cycles within a larger depressive wheel have rolled through to the other side, with the seasons, with economic recovery, and with the completion of Sage’s school year. Mental coordination like the ability to move my arms and legs to where I direct them, I have been lacking in this for a few reasons. Some internal some external.
Getting over things I can’t do anything about is a big one. It means dealing with myself and building my own resilience.
Getting through things I can do things about is the next one. It means looking at my fear and doing things anyways.
Sticking with it requires integrity. I’m working on it. I went to the gym 3 times this week, maybe 2 times and once wasn’t a full workout. Cleaned my fish tank. Haven’t cooked a lot of meals at home. And forgiving myself for not getting it exactly right this time around. The upkeep of the lifestyle I want to live is something I have to work up towards, and I can’t beat myself up over every mistake or failure (holler at my 13 year old self, deeply depressed, nihilistic and pessimistic, accepting of nothing short of exquisite detail, you can relax. Some things take sacrifices to look that good, and sometimes those sacrifices are unhealthy as hell).